overwhelmed…

Andrea — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:34:33 +0000

I’m feeling that way lately. Change oriented also. I’m feeling the urge to make many changes. I spend a lot of time posting on a forum with people who actually relate to me, and it has made me realize quite a few patterns in my life. I never really paid much attention to my moods in the past because the thought that my mood had anything to do with this mess hadn’t crossed my mind. But now that I think back; my moods were fluctuating constantly, and based on how I was “feeling” at the time I would run or move.

All of this realization has made me feel overwhelmed. Especially because I’m feeling the urge to make all these changes, and I’m content with where I live. I love my husband more than anything and we aren’t unhappy with each other at all. The only things I can think of that I’m really unhappy with is my job and myself in a physical sense, and I’m working on the job aspect.

The physical thing will always be a battle, I’m not very accepting of myself.

i hesitate

Andrea — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 02:04:31 +0000

i simply don’t know how i’m supposed to feel. when i’m asked the infamous “how are you feeling?” i always hesitate and usually have one of two responses. good, or bored. it’s not even an answer, it’s just a word. a response so we can move on. i think it’s great that my doctor is competent enough to treat me based on a psychiatrists direction and she really is a great doctor, but i still feel like i need something more. something more directed at what in the heck is going on, rather than just medication and frequent blood tests. she mentioned a while back something about a new psychiatrist moving into her medical complex, maybe she’s trying to wait it out. Maybe she has a lot of faith in this new person and really wants her to take me on. i sure hope this is the case. i kind of thinking i’m heading somewhere back there, where i don’t want to be.

i’m still dwelling on my childhood, and why i can’t seem to remember anything. somehow that has become of no significance and that kind of makes me anxious about it. i want to know why even more. shouldn’t i be able to remember something other than “that”?

oh, and i hate my job, what else is new!

out with the old..

Andrea — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:59:36 +0000

so i met with the pdoc..and he explained that he was going to create a treatment plan for my doc to follow..did an evaluation and gave me a dx. He thinks it’s a good idea for me to jump on the lithium train. so per instructions the seroquel and the cymbalta have been stopped and i’ve started the lithium. the first five or six days were rough. my body doesn’t like these changes. be it withdrawal or adjustment it feels pretty crappy so far.

i phoned the pdoc to be sure that what i was feeling was ok..and i’m still waiting for a call back. i see my gp on friday, so i’ll talk to her about it as well. i’m really concerned and confused at the same time..because the withdrawal symptoms for seroquel and cymbalta are very similar to lithium toxicity. i’m pretty sure that’s not the case, as i’m still at a very very low dose. blood has been drawn and i haven’t got that call telling me to stop..so yeah.

i found out today that all of my disability stuff has been gone about the wrong way, and now my pay is going to be delayed even more. it’s likely i’ll be back to work before i see any money.

i went out to meet a friend today and was feeling freakishly paro. the man sitting across from me on the subway was staring me down..and the train was stuck in between stations..i thought he was going to mug me..and take my pot, or something else scary. i started to get scared and anxious. so i sat there watching him out of the corner of my eye until he finally left. but i couldn’t shake the feeling..it was killing me. i felt like if i didn’t get home soon i was going to freak out and have to call a cab instead..

i’ve been trying to come up with words to describe how i’ve been feeling lately..and i guess the best way to describe it is outside looking in..on myself.

a new one

Andrea — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 23:09:01 +0000

i finally landed an appointment with a new psychiatrist. and of course i did some research on the guy. i wasn’t able to find any reviews regarding psychiatry, but he is very active politically regarding health care. i’m not a fan of politics, so i’m really hoping he keeps that separate from our sessions. my appointment is monday and i was thinking of making a list of things i wanted to discuss with him. but i don’t know if this is the time to do it. i mean, i know some things will be discussed but i’m not sure how much into detail i should go on the first visit. from what i understand he also deals with inpatient people, and i don’t want to be one of them. i’m also hoping him being only 4 years older than me d0esn’t get in the way.

my surgery is coming up real soon, and i’m still a mess. i’m really worried that i may not go. the anxiety of being able to hear whats going on….and being coherent really scares the shit out of me. i know i need the surgery, and that it will all be over within a matter of minutes..but that’s not enough..i DON’T want to know what’s going on. not even a little.

i’ve also noticed some really annoying (i’m going to call them habits for now). of course researching things is one of them..but i’ve also been counting my steps..

another visit..

Andrea — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:27:42 +0000

i visited my gp today for refills, and also mentioned my fear of being completely coherent for my upcoming surgery and i feel blown off. i know i should be working on coping mechanisms for my anxiety, but it’s making me physically ill. is there not something we can do about this? a medication of sorts until i can get in with a new pdoc?

she also put me on 25mg of trazedone to help me sleep. because i always seem to have issues sleeping when i’m on cymbalta, but cymbalta also elevates my mood a little since the seroquel makes me as dull as i don’t know a doorknob..?

i really think it’s time for a pdoc..

25 hours…

Andrea — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:54:05 +0000

i stayed up until 4am saturday morning…woke up at 740pm to get a drink and use the washroom and then slept again until 7am sunday morning. i haven’t a clue as to why this happened. perhaps my body needed more sleep then i thought. who knows. i felt like i was shaking from the inside out all day on sunday too. was this from over sleeping? or am i getting sick..? could it have been because i avoided my seroquel on thursday and friday in order to drink with friends..and then missed it again on saturday because i slept right through it..?

i completely over did it..AGAIN.

Andrea — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 07:42:27 +0000

to me, being drunk is a loss of control. something i can’t deal with very well. i must have control over everything controllable in my life. even if i’m bad at it, i still have to be in control. i don’t know where this comes from..but it’s something i hope to overcome..or learn to control if you will.

on the other hand, this is the second time in 2 weeks i’ve been out drinking…i’m not usually a frequent drinker..does this have anything to do with mania..?

i feel it coming…

Andrea — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:34:56 +0000

i’ve been feeling like i’m going to crawl out of my skin lately. today i attempted to dance to my very own version of “it’s getting hot in here”…completely inappropriate in a Starbucks full of mommies with strollers. at first i thought it may have been my caffeine intake..so i cut that in half two weeks ago. yet the euphoric mood is still growing.

i bought purple hair dye today…how in the heck i thought i would be able to dye my hair purple is beyond me..i don’t think that qualifies for a “natural hair colour”. whoops.

i’ve also become obssesed with the crazy boards..not posting..but reading. i still don’t have the balls to post anything. i’m not sure how to verbalize exactly what i want to say without coming off…extremely sarcastic.

I chose beer…

Andrea — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:15:02 +0000

i chose beer tonight over seroquel..and i feel like shit. i don’t do the beer thing often, maybe once a month. but i always feel like crappola and i never learn. i’m scared shitless to just take the seroquel like normal. the last time i did that i ended up hugging the toilet at the pub. passed out…no clue what the fuck was going on.

on another note, tomorrow is pay day, and it’s the holidays so i have to do some shopping. i always feel super happy and energized on paydays. and i always spend frivelously..i still don’t have a savings to speak of. and i’m still paying minimum monthly payments.

i’m still doubting the dosage is right, or even the diagnosis..i don’t feel better..not even a little bit..well i do…but only when i’m spending money.

since my shrink flipped a lid, i’m really “iffy” about seeing someone else. even though i know it’s crucial that i do. i feel like i’m slipping.

Protected: what..?

Andrea — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:19:07 +0000